Monkey Monday: Ewwww

This week, authorities in Florida issued a public warning: Don’t touch the wild macaques. Normally, I’d be like, “Up yours, authorities!” because I’m a rebel and I’ve liked pawing monkeys ever since I saw my first Sprockets.

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Man, you know the answer’s yes…

However, in this case I’m siding with the nanny state. Why? Because the monkeys, and I can’t believe I’m typing this, but 25% of the monkeys have herpes. Monkey herpes. Now, normally that’s all I’d need to hear. “Stay away from herped up monkeys? Can do, Mr. Postman!” But before I acquiesce, I have a few questions. Most importantly, how the fuck do monkeys get herpes? Did they fuck a bunch of Floridians? Or more likely, did a bunch of Floridians fuck some monkeys? Ha! I’m just kidding. But no I’m not. Because that’s what happened, according to Dr. Russel of the CDC:

“We’ve seen a significant uptick in contagion stemming from simian-human relations, mostly from mouth-to-mouth contact, however various other forms of skin exposure are considered necessary to have caused the current outbreak.”

Now the fact is, I made that quote up. There’s no Dr. Russel at the CDC. And the CDC doesn’t exist. But you got to admit, you believed it, right? Of course you did! Because Florida is basically a shitty sweatbox. A shitty sweatbox where 25% of the monkeys have herpes. Which is half as many as the rest of the Floridians. Gross.

Monkey Monday: The Return!

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Earlier this month, a lab in Switzerland came under fire for planning to study the effects of cocaine on monkeys. Their scheme was to addict the simians, and then cure them of said addiction. Seems like a pretty wonderful thing for junkies worldwide. And if you agree then holy shit do the Swiss League Against Animal Testing (LSCV) think you’re an asshole. In a petition sent to the Swiss Federal Food Safety and Veterinary Office (OSAV), a petition that has already garnered 15,000 signatures, the organization demands that… something. Sorry. I tried to read it, but the Swiss communicate in a gibberish language as indecipherable as Cuneiform, but the gist I think is they want the experiment halted. Why? Because it’s animal cruelty.

Got that? Getting monkeys high is cruel.

Listen, I’m no monkey-ologist, but I’m pretty sure the monkeys disagree. In fact, if I were one of them I’d be like, “Hey, do you have any idea what Volkswagen does to their monkeys? Or Revlon? Or the jungle? Sure, being a lab animal sucks, but for the next few months we get to blow fat lines of high grade Colombian sugar, and you want to stop it? Why don’t you go back to counting your Nazi gold you chocolate making cheese fuckers and keep your yodel holes shut. Also, you suck at acronyms.”