Earlier this month, a lab in Switzerland came under fire for planning to study the effects of cocaine on monkeys. Their scheme was to addict the simians, and then cure them of said addiction. Seems like a pretty wonderful thing for junkies worldwide. And if you agree then holy shit do the Swiss League Against Animal Testing (LSCV) think you’re an asshole. In a petition sent to the Swiss Federal Food Safety and Veterinary Office (OSAV), a petition that has already garnered 15,000 signatures, the organization demands that… something. Sorry. I tried to read it, but the Swiss communicate in a gibberish language as indecipherable as Cuneiform, but the gist I think is they want the experiment halted. Why? Because it’s animal cruelty.
Got that? Getting monkeys high is cruel.
Listen, I’m no monkey-ologist, but I’m pretty sure the monkeys disagree. In fact, if I were one of them I’d be like, “Hey, do you have any idea what Volkswagen does to their monkeys? Or Revlon? Or the jungle? Sure, being a lab animal sucks, but for the next few months we get to blow fat lines of high grade Colombian sugar, and you want to stop it? Why don’t you go back to counting your Nazi gold you chocolate making cheese fuckers and keep your yodel holes shut. Also, you suck at acronyms.”