For those of you who don’t know I got my first Amazon review troll this week, and subsequently went through the following 3 stages… before exacting revenge. WARNING: this isn’t for the squeamish, and if you’re a follower or a personal friend I hope I don’t lose you, or your respect. But sometimes we got to do what we got to do:
Stage 1: The Reaction
I’ll admit, once I got my first review troll I was excited. But that quickly that turned to rage. Who the hell gives a one star rating without even reading the book? Trolls, that’s who. So I decided not to take this lying down, I was going to hunt my troll. So I went on her Amazon page, and looked at all the things she bought, and I kid you not I found her real name. I found her work place. I found her address, and her email address. I even found a picture (don’t look at me like that, I write detective novels, what did you expect?). Now the only question is, “What would I do with this information?” The answer is scheme.
Stage 2: The Scheming
So as I lay in bed that night, scheming like a champ, I came up with three possible acts of vengeance:
- Email her and avail myself to her human side, making my case politely, and asking her to take down the unfair trolling review. Maybe I’d quote God or something.
- Email her and threaten to cook her children if she didn’t take down the unfair trolling review. Maybe I’d quote God or something.
- Join Ashely Madison and every swinger site there is under her real name, get a good following, and ask for porn bombs to be sent to her work address! Or better yet: I’d sign her up on Fiverr, those people never let you delete an account!
As you can imagine I chose to go with option 3. Does that make me a bad person?
Not at all…
Stage 3: The Execution
So the next morning I hopped back onto my Amazon page and looked up my troll. It was time to exact some sweet revenge. But here’s the thing; right above her nefarious vitriol sat other reviews, and each one was really kind. Also, there were a handful of strangers who came to my aid with supportive comments, and all of a sudden my general happiness outweighed my righteous anger, and I was reminded of the old saw in fiction: everybody’s the main character of their own story. So what kind of main character did I want to be? A villain or a hero? I mean, what would Captain America do?
I knew the answer. So I put my dreams of revenge aside.
And… The Obligatory Moral
I learned a few things from the past few days of self-torment. The first is that if you fight fire with fire you just end up with more fire. Lowering yourself won’t make you even. In fact, there’s no way to get even, and all you’ll end up doing is increasing the badness in the world. The second is that the bullies of the ether should be afraid. It’s getting easier and easier to discover their identities, which lets us show everyone what kind of people they really are. And finally, revenge may be a dish best served cold, but justice served with a smile and a pinch of irony is a hell of a lot more fun to eat.
So I did the only thing I could. I smiled as I pressed ‘edit’ and added Dorothy A’s comments to my editorial reviews. So now when you visit Dane Curse’s Amazon page you’ll see this:
“Written with intelligent humor, easy dialogue, and an action-packed story line, Dane Curse is a must-read.” – Please Pass The Books
“Five stars… Filled with lots of action and humour, and will keep you engaged and entertained.” – Jael’s Reviews
“One Star- I didn’t read it…” Dorothy A. (AKA Muffiemae)
Yeah, that just feels right.