Monkey Monday: Ewwww

This week, authorities in Florida issued a public warning: Don’t touch the wild macaques. Normally, I’d be like, “Up yours, authorities!” because I’m a rebel and I’ve liked pawing monkeys ever since I saw my first Sprockets.

Screen Shot 2018-02-26 at 10.15.26 PM

Man, you know the answer’s yes…

However, in this case I’m siding with the nanny state. Why? Because the monkeys, and I can’t believe I’m typing this, but 25% of the monkeys have herpes. Monkey herpes. Now, normally that’s all I’d need to hear. “Stay away from herped up monkeys? Can do, Mr. Postman!” But before I acquiesce, I have a few questions. Most importantly, how the fuck do monkeys get herpes? Did they fuck a bunch of Floridians? Or more likely, did a bunch of Floridians fuck some monkeys? Ha! I’m just kidding. But no I’m not. Because that’s what happened, according to Dr. Russel of the CDC:

“We’ve seen a significant uptick in contagion stemming from simian-human relations, mostly from mouth-to-mouth contact, however various other forms of skin exposure are considered necessary to have caused the current outbreak.”

Now the fact is, I made that quote up. There’s no Dr. Russel at the CDC. And the CDC doesn’t exist. But you got to admit, you believed it, right? Of course you did! Because Florida is basically a shitty sweatbox. A shitty sweatbox where 25% of the monkeys have herpes. Which is half as many as the rest of the Floridians. Gross.

Monkey Monday: The Return!

Screen Shot 2018-02-19 at 3.24.01 PM

Earlier this month, a lab in Switzerland came under fire for planning to study the effects of cocaine on monkeys. Their scheme was to addict the simians, and then cure them of said addiction. Seems like a pretty wonderful thing for junkies worldwide. And if you agree then holy shit do the Swiss League Against Animal Testing (LSCV) think you’re an asshole. In a petition sent to the Swiss Federal Food Safety and Veterinary Office (OSAV), a petition that has already garnered 15,000 signatures, the organization demands that… something. Sorry. I tried to read it, but the Swiss communicate in a gibberish language as indecipherable as Cuneiform, but the gist I think is they want the experiment halted. Why? Because it’s animal cruelty.

Got that? Getting monkeys high is cruel.

Listen, I’m no monkey-ologist, but I’m pretty sure the monkeys disagree. In fact, if I were one of them I’d be like, “Hey, do you have any idea what Volkswagen does to their monkeys? Or Revlon? Or the jungle? Sure, being a lab animal sucks, but for the next few months we get to blow fat lines of high grade Colombian sugar, and you want to stop it? Why don’t you go back to counting your Nazi gold you chocolate making cheese fuckers and keep your yodel holes shut. Also, you suck at acronyms.”



New Short Story – All Monsters

All Monsters color

Art by Alberto Soto. He’s as talented as he is Latin. Which is to say very.

Hi all, just wanted to let everyone know that I’ll be releasing my first of many short stories entitled All Monsters. It’s about Dane Curse, the former black cape turned PI, on a kidnapping case for a scion of Gold Coast City. If you want an absolutely free copy be sure to sign up for the Gold Coast Chronicle quarterly newsletter. It’ll ship in about two weeks, followed by another installment three months later. These tales won’t be available on Amazon, the only way to take this ride is to get it sent to your virtual mailbox, so why don’t you subscribe with that address you only check once a month because it’s exclusively used for deals like this, and enjoy!

Alternate Cover Art: Dane Curse


Behold, alternate cover art by Kim Herbst, the woman with the golden hand. And silver tongue. And, I don’t know, possibly a copper foot. I didn’t ask about that because she probably wouldn’t tell me, and frankly it seemed rude, especially after I inquired about the tongue and hand made of precious metals. But anyway, here’s her alternate cover for Dane Curse. I’m still married to my Dan Strange original, but I’m just saying that on occasion, when I make love to it, I think about this one. Sexy cat sound!

Dane Curse Original Artwork


Feast your eyes on a still shot so sweet it makes the Gummy Venus de Milo seem like a sour ball dipped in milk left on a radiator for a week. It’s drawn by Kim Herbst, artist extraordinaire, and for the uninitiated, this is Lynx with her henchmen in Henchmen’s. The bad news is, now that you’ve seen it you can never see it again for the first time, but Kim’s got three more pictures from the novel, so… you know… there’s a silver lining.

Jael Reviews The Coconut Swindle

Screen Shot 2015-07-24 at 5.40.23 PM

Once again Jael, my favorite indie reviewer, has taken a spin with Dane Curse through Gold Coast City, and much to my delight she’s given The Coconut Swindle a five star rating! “How can one man earn so many stars for his writing?” you might ask yourself. Begging. Also, the bribes* don’t hurt.

*(jk, Jael is crazy honest and super ethical, but those traits don’t garner laughs.)

The Coconut Swindle – Book 2

Screen Shot 2016-02-10 at 4.36.37 PM

In this exciting prequel to the critically acclaimed Dane Curse, a pair of black capes are found dead on the floor of Wentorf Hall, mere inches away from the world’s largest diamond. Of course the cops think the pair killed each other over the heist. After all, everyone knows that the Vandenberg Coconut is a one size fits all motivation for murder. Everyone, that is, except for Dane Curse.

But when the former villain turned PI takes the case he’ll discover that the truth has more sides than a diamond has facets. And in order to get to it Dane will follow a trail that leads through an old enemy with a bagful of grudges, a killer who specializes in assassinating super villains, and a wealthy socialite with a murky motive. A thorny maze indeed, and sitting at its heart, mysteriously returned from years in hiding, is Dane’s very own daughter.

Will Dane Curse discover the thieves’ secret in time to solve the case, save his agency, and protect his only child from a vicious death? Or will he lose it all, just another victim of The Coconut Swindle?

What the critics are saying…

“Full of action, tension, and suspense, this novel seamlessly blends the classic noir PI trope with soft sci-fi superheroism. It’s a triumph.” – Pulp Detective 

“Matt uses, abuses, subverts, and pays worshipful homage to the trope-defining elements of the hardboiled private eye with the comic book intensity of a superhero series.” – 

“With grit, action, and fast-talking characters I found this book hard to put down.” – The Reader’s Hollow 

“I was really looking forward to reading this novel at the end of last year and wasn’t disappointed… very well written.” – Katrina Marie’s Writing, Inspiration, and Muses

“I loved Dane Curse the first time around, but I have to say the second spin was even better.” – West’s Indie Authors

“Wonderfully written with fast paced action and fantastic humor.” – 

“Considering how saturated the superhero market is these days it’s amazing to find a novel that actually brings a fresh angle to the genre, and Mr. Abraham does just that.” – Superhero Hustle

“Dane Curse is easily comparable to characters like The Punisher, or Ghost Rider, so if you’re into borderline heroic bad guys, then this book is for you.” – Time Zone Comics

“The author’s writing style makes it easy to immerse yourself in this amazing and exciting story. I loved the first book… this one is even better!” – 

“If you enjoy action, twists that leave you guessing, and great dialogue, definitely get this book.” – Jael’s Reviews

“I don’t know how you keep getting my number, Matt, but the restraining order’s still in effect.” – Stan Lee, Marvel Comics

The Author


Matt Abraham, Pulp Detective’s Best Newcomer of 2015 and winner of the University of Nottingham’s NC 2016 short story competition, spits hot PI palaver mixing Mickey Spillane with the classic super heroes from the golden age. In his series Black Cape Case Files we follow Dane Curse, a former black cape turned PI, as he navigates the powered underbelly of Gold Coast City. While not writing, Matt’s engaged in juggling his newborn baby boy Kal, and supportive wife Jenny, all in the People’s Paradise of China. You can contact him at